Tag Archive | torture

Love, Empathy and Compassion

By Stephen Ames

 

I am no one special. I am not smart. I was diagnosed mentally retarded when I was 13. I have also been diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder. I have also been labeled a terrorist and a criminal. That sure is a lot of contradictions, but they aren’t mine.

When I was a child, I was also strapped down to a table with wires glued to my head. Everyone couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t do school work so I was sent off to the Geisinger Medical Center in Danville Pennsylvania for  tests.  After that, I was placed in Special Ed.

I spent 3 years in Special Education coloring, drawing, and counting change until I dropped out of school. I just never could do schoolwork, I thought it was absurd. I don’t have any letters after my name, I haven’t attended and/or graduated from any prestigious schools, I haven’t even dropped out of any prestigious schools demonstrating my self-motivation and non-conformity. I don’t have a degree that automatically makes whatever I attach my name to an instant voice of veracity.

When I was in my early 20s, I barely escaped a lobotomy. They said a lobotomy could cure me. This was from a well-meaning Psychiatrist in Northumberland County, Pennsylvania. He knew I was in severe mental pain, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

I’ve been surrounded by S.W.A.T 2 times. I’ve played cards with serial killers and mass murderers during my 3 stays at Mayview State Hospital a maximum security forensic hospital.  I’ve had to go months without bathing, brushing my teeth, or shaving while in the hole in Dauphin County Prison. My teeth rotted, just like the clothes I wore.  Living in and never leaving a 4×8, room for a few months brings on higher states of consciousness—so it was a good thing.  Also in prison, I was stripped naked, handcuffed behind my back and strapped in a chair for days at a time. It’s not much fun sitting in your own excrement and urine, but the pain and suffering make for a wonderful teacher. It gave me a deeper understanding of torture. The people who commit acts of torture are more afraid than those that they torture and they don’t know what they are doing..

The most horrific experience of my life was when the love of my life was killed. She was struck by a car. The last time I saw her, she was lying in the middle of the road. She was unconscious with blood coming out of her open eyes, nose and mouth. It was the final time that I would ever see her. She is the first thing I think about when I awaken in the morning It has been almost five years since she has been gone. We were together for 14 years.  I still have flashbacks and I don’t think the pain will ever go away. I will have to live with the pain for the rest of my life, but I must go on. I experienced a love with her that few have ever experienced.

Knowing all of this may make you into an automatic skeptic, which is fine, but it does more for me. It makes me free to say and do whatever I want.  And what is it that I do and want? I want to share my experiences with others, ease their pain and suffering. Why?  Because I empathize with, have compassion for, love for everyone.  I have tried, oh, believe me, I have tried not to empathize, have compassion and love for others, but it is something I just can’t turn off. People may consider me an enemy, but I never can be. I just can’t hate.

Because I am not confined by letters after my name, a piece of paper certifying my pedigree, any school, business or institution that pays my bills to disappoint or offend, no will whatsoever to uphold my good name. I am neither obligated nor bound to carry out the will of someone else. I realize that pain and suffering are a gift, not a curse. What could be freer than that?

I’ve always been free, because I’ve never been broken. I can’t break, I can’t change, so there is no escape. It is not will or defiance. I can’t do things that I consider wrong or absurd, believe me I have tried.  I can’t give up my freedom, believe me I have tried. The very thought of stealing, lying, cheating, or being deceptive or doing something absurd causes my mind to schism, my heart to race and the sweat pours out of me, it drives me insane. I have always been like this and it has caused me to go through what many consider terrible situations.

I’ve never wanted to be or trade places with anyone else. I’ve been fortunate to see and experience things that most people only read about. I got to experience all of this not by hurting anyone, stealing, lying , etc., no, these events all happened because I couldn’t do what I was told to do. I couldn’t be a slave. Pain and suffering are a gift…probably the greatest gift one could receive.

Pain and suffering can teach one to have empathy, compassion and love for everyone, including those who have committed wrongs against you.  So, if you’re in pain and suffering, it may not seem like it at the moment but, you are surely blessed.

 

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Egolessness/schizophrenia

The schizophrenic experiences a stunning barrage of continuous, horrifying symptoms: auditory hallucinations, delusions, ideas of reference, paranoia, etc. The “indescribable severe torture” is unrelenting and can go on except during sometimes restless sleep, at whichtime the symptoms are even active when one becomes conscious at all. This experience is so overwhelming it is beyond the imagination. It cannot be conceived of intellectually. By its very nature it in fact necessitates the concept of religion in order to relate to it at all. This continuous experience of psychotic symptoms can be viewed as “spiritual exercises in perfection”. The effect on the schizophrenic is similar to that of monks when practicing their rituals in monasteries. When these spirited exercises become a lifestyle for the schizophrenic (lasting 8-10 years) with no real evidence given to the schizophrenic that he will ever recover, a fascinating thing happens to the psyche of that schizophrenic—he loses the perspective of “ego”. Ego consists of all his identifying factors in the world: his age, sex, race, religious affiliation or lack thereof, education level, social class, political affiliations, nationality, etc. He begins to see his environment with the eyes of a newborn, without the bias or prejudices, preconditions of his particular circumstances. It can be seen as a sort of continuous baptism by fire, a kind of purification, enabling him to see reality for what it is in actuality, rather than being viewed through the preconceptions of his individual mental, emotional, and behavioural repertoire instilled in him from birth. The schizophrenic in this condition is able in his interior to walk around in someone else’s moccasins with perfection. This can be seen as loving your neighbour as you love yourself, perfectly. I do not believe it is a condition that can be acquired by a “normal” individual by any method, because the horror of the symptoms of schizophrenia are unduplicable by man. (Religious persons would call this condition repentance for all one’s sins, e.g. “perfect repentance”.) ~Source

Fists and Boots

It was a cold winter day

upstairs playing with legos

when I heard Dad’s arrival

he called my name

the terror ripped through my mind and body

I was shaking uncontrollably

wearing no socks, shoes or shirt

wearing only a pair of shorts

I ran and smashed through a second story glass window

that cut me to shreds

and on to the snow covered roof

I then jumped off the roof

ran across road to the partially frozen creek

I stepped on the ice and fell through

the freezing water was up to my chest

I climbed out of the ice and crawled the rest of the way across

I then ran through the forest to Grandma’s house 3 miles away

I finally arrived frozen

Grandma wrapped me in blankets and placed my feet in cool water

My feet were frost bitten

The pain in my feet when they started to thaw was unbearable

I cried and cried and cried

The phone then rang and it was Dad

He asked her if she knew where I was

She told him she hadn’t seen me

I slept at Grandma’s that night

The next day

Dad was at her door pounding on it

and yelling I know he’s in there

She kept denying I was there

She refused to open the door

He then broke the door

and searched the house until he found me

then he started kicking and punching me

Grandma was crying and begging him to stop

but he wouldn’t

He dragged me out to his van and took me home

All I could think of was the look of horror on gransma’s face

The beatings didn’t stop until almost 7 years later

I was only 10 years old when it happened.

I have forgiven him for his acts.
I have compassion for him.
I love him.

The Will to Survival Manual

The Will to Survival Manual:

A Means to Maneuver Safely Through the Mental Construct of the 21st Century

by Nicole Terry

 

Chapter One: How To Survive Life (and Stay Alive)

 

RULES TO REMEMBER WHEN IN COMPANY OF ANOTHER OR GROUP OF OTHERS:

 

1. Be a servant. Do not offer, simply assume the role of servant.

2. Do not present a position of disagreement, it causes offense.

3. Remain silent unless asked a direct question.

4. Keep constant vigilance, as Rules (of the Construct) are slippery.

5. Do not offer any opinions, suppositions, positions, thoughts, questions, or responses to indirect questions, as they will be ignored.

6. Never argue, even when provoked.

7. Never reveal true self as Ridicule ultimately occurs.

8. Never display stress of exasperation as this will be construed as overly-dramatic, and often will be retaliated through verbal or physical attack upon character and/or mentality.

9. Do not point out contradictions as others become violently defensive.

10. Be prepared to perform the exact opposite of any of these rules because rules (of the Construct) are often arbitrary.

11. Avoid logical specifications as others respond negatively (reason yet unknown).

12. Remain objective, utilizing scientific method of investigation to reach conclusions, solutions, theories, discoveries, hypotheses, and so forth.

13. Remember most everything is considered critical.

14. Be wary of sentence structure and wording, as well as voice intonation, others can view anything as a threat.

15. When uncertain of proper reaction, answer indirect questions (open-ended) with “I don’t know”.

16. Consider any proffered gratitude to requests fulfilled false as this grace is offered without intention of following through, for fulfillment of request is primary importance and goal.

17. Do not offer any information, this will be taken as offensive.

18. Personal insults are often masqueraded as general observation.

19. Expect animosity from any and every direction.

20. Value nothing, others will covet it-even if others ridicule its value-destroy it, and never return it in original condition if borrowed.

21. Never ask for help, it will not arrive.

22. Determine Group Role as quickly as possible, and then Assume it. This disguise is useful camouflage. The Collective Consciousness of the Group can easily be ascertained once tension fades (an “Outsider”-one not conformed to the Group-is a cause of tension. Retaliation often ensues through some form of excommunication, ostracisation, or dissemination. In extreme cases physical violence occurs).

23. Others will always demand help (solutions) as they are unwilling to accept responsibility to help themselves. Help others no matter what personal pain or suffering.

24. Allways keep in mind that strict following of suggested rules does not guarantee others will not become hostile. Often others will become hostile regardless, often quicker if rules are not followed.

25. Beware of others when others are experiencing pain as others mood will become unpredictable and unstable in such states.

26. Always consider and concern mind with the feelings, thoughts, opinions, assumptions, and states of others as life may depend upon it. Do this at all costs to self, no matter what the repercussion to self, as others will expect this type of behavior anyway.

27. Be wary of admitting, committing, or expressing anything about self as this is ample knowledge to others as a weapon against you.

28. Never accept any promises, as it will never come to fruition. Be especially wary of promises made in exchange of favors.

29. Others will say one thing but do another. Often.

30. Never become defensive in an argument with others, this will often aggravate hostility. Disarm opponent with offensive remarks (this is an emergency tactic as it is best not to engage in argument).

31. Others will place satisfaction and pleasure of self above and before yours, and will become hostile if you do not do the same (that is, place others’ satisfaction and pleasure above and before your self).

32. Remember: you are expendable to others.

33. Others will make numerous requests for aid (and numerous repairs to self-caused problems) of you, provide this with no external expression of negativity or others will immediately become hostile. Assume your utter and extreme happiness to comply (regardless of any personal anxieties, worries, tensions, or pain) as this is expected from the maker of the request.

34. Always assume behavior of docility and happiness in servitude when dealing with others. The contrary will cause reign of Tyranny and Oppression.

35. Be careful of those who say, claim, or even appear sane, as others are excellent chameleons and can strike at any time, most likely when you least expect it (which is the moment you begin to trust the ruse and let your guard down by ignoring one or all of above rules).

36. Be aware that others are addicted to their ways, so will project a constant state of confusion (unending barrage of lies based upon arbitrary rules of the Construct) onto you. Do not be consumed! If you find yourself in trouble of being consumed, it is best to behave as if you are defeated (this will disarm others for a time) until you have opportunity to gather yourself and think (although others, being addicts of their self-caused problems, will, at all costs, attempt to keep you in state of confusion as it affords them with a fix or a feeling of superior control).

37. Others are practiced and excellent liars. Trust no one.

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper

                                                   “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”

[Written by Blue Oyster Cult]

All our times have come
Here but now they’re gone
Seasons don’t fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are

Come on baby… Don’t fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand… Don’t fear the Reaper
We’ll be able to fly… Don’t fear the Reaper
Baby I’m your man…

Valentine is done
Here but now they’re gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity…
Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday… Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday… Redefine happiness
Another 40,000 coming everyday…We can be like they are

Come on baby… Don’t fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand… Don’t fear the Reaper
We’ll be able to fly… Don’t fear the Reaper
Baby I’m your man…

Love of two is one
Here but now they’re gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear we couldn’t go on
The door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew and then disappeared
The curtains flew and then he appeared
Saying don’t be afraid

Come on baby… And we had no fear
And she ran to him… Then they started to fly
We looked backward and said goodbye
We had become like they are
She had taken his hand
We had become like they are

Come on baby…don’t fear the reaper

Suicide is Painless

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

I try to find a way to make
All our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know that it’s too late, and

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I’m beat
And to another give my seat
For that’s the only painless feat

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger watch it grin, but

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied ‘Oh, why ask me?’

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

‘Cause suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

And you can do the same thing if you please